By Quinn Alpern, Bus 11 Participant
There’s an arc, a story line, a plot with every trip and pilgrimage. A coming-of-age, a mission of discovery, or, exposing yourself to learning and opportunity and facing the promised land with an open heart. I, too, abide by this stature: I arrive eager and scared. Not to be away from home, not from traveling, but of myself, as odd as it is to say. I came out as nonbinary* over a year ago. I chose my name two days before I flew out to Israel. And when I visited the Kotel, I affirmed my identity, and found peace with it. Odd, isn’t it, that that happened in a location segregated by binary* genders, under a strict and long-lasting tradition?
So I had visited both sides. I’m fairly certain it’s illegal, and if not illegal, than just not done, defying the rule of the Western Wall. And I did it. I had to visit, and I wouldn’t find peace of mind if I forced myself into the mold. With a kippah and scarf in hand, and a plan between several members of our group, I did it. There’s a few things I would like you all to know:
- Crossing the threshold of a side once forbidden is an odd experience. A reform, barely passing* kid walking alongside orthodox men, and there’s a slight resistance, in your chest, and the only thing to do was walk faster, stand taller.
- The men’s side has so much room, more than pictures convey. The wall is shared, no one pushes for a moment to touch it. The experience of the wall is encouraged to be shared, not fought for.
- The chairs on the men’s side are neat and tidy, stacked or in perfect rows.
- The chairs on the women’s side are jumbled, scattered, there’s no designated place. They’re thrown in among the crowded walkway.
- The women’s side is a competition, a race, a fight, something that shouldn’t be, standing alongside your people. But the wall is genuine nevertheless, and what is robbed is having the comforting, secured knowledge that there’s always a spot alongside the wall, waiting for you.
- I left two notes in the wall.
- One was the classic ‘wish’ note. I wrote, I hoped that one day, the dust would settle, and seedlings may begin to sprout from the rubble. I left it in the crags of the men’s side, where the deepest parts of the wall weren’t overflowing, still waiting, still reserved. The other was a note to myself, to the eleven-year-old who could barely push through, but was old enough to realize that there was something… discordant.
“dear jessica,
you’re happier, now.
love, quinn.”
written by Quinn Alpern, legally Jessica Alpern
*terms:
Nonbinary – umbrella term for gender identities beyond or between male and female. Can be interpreted to be both or neither of the aforementioned genders.
Binary genders – gender identities given at birth, commonly, based upon genitalia.
Passing – being perceived as a desired gender.
